Identity: The Names We Answer To
There are two stories we carry about who we are. The one written by exposure, which includes the places we’ve lived in, the families we were born into, the communities that raised us, the schools, religions, timelines, algorithms and rooms that taught us how to be in some way. There is also the one that is written by choice, which entails the meaning we assign to who and what matters in our lives, the boundaries we build for ourselves and others, the practices we keep and the language we allow to live in our environment.
Both of these stories have significant value. Exposure, for one, gives us context, while choice, on the other hand, provides authority.
When we only live by exposure, the lens may be that life merely happens to us and we are only but victims of circumstance, having no say in what takes place in our lives. This is the result of perpetually inheriting labels and instructions without checking if they truly and healthily align with our essence and preferred design or not. Alternatively, when we only live by choice, we risk bypassing the very real texture of our lived experience that impacts us in varying ways, along with our nervous system imprint that deserves constant regulation for the sake of our sustenance. Wholeness, however, asks us for both: to honour what shaped us and still make the choice about who we are becoming.
The lesson embedded here is to mind the language you use with yourself and others, because it is building your life in some way or another.
For example, there’s a distinct difference between “I am” and “I am experiencing.” While one fuses identity to a moment, the other keeps the door open.
Here are some practical examples from a wellness perspective:
Physical health
“I am sick” can anchor you to a fixed identity, while “I am experiencing symptoms and I’m supporting my body” creates space for change. When you say these out loud or to yourself, notice how your body softens when you shift from a state of polarity to an inclusively encompassing one. Choice can look like salt, sunlight, sleep, a gentle walk, a doctor’s visit, saying no or saying yes to help, whereas exposure may have taught you to push through without learning how to pace yourself.
Emotional health
Saying “I am an anxious person” can become a cage, whilst “I am feeling anxiety right now, and I know how to meet it” invites agency that is embedded in freedom. You might place a hand on your chest, lengthen your exhale, cancel a plan, ask for or give a hug, write the thought down and choose a kindness in your language. This matters because our feelings are information that we can use to our benefit and liberty, they are not a permanent state. In certain spaces, emotions are referred to as "energy-in-motion," suggesting that we are constantly in a state of flow, never needing to hold onto what perhaps no longer serves us but instead, we can choose to trust in the fullness of what is in the present moment without fear or restriction.
Spiritual health
The words “I am disconnected” can feel absolute or permanent, whilst “I am hungry for connection, so I’m creating a moment of reverence” shifts the feeling of longing into practice. This might look like a prayer, lighting a candle, having a few minutes with your feet on the earth, or a gentle thank you over a simple meal. The lesson here is learning to be fully present where you are by honouring your senses, rather than performing a particular state of being. Ultimately, it is the former, that should feel more healthier than the latter.
Identity is layered in language, emotion, lived reality, exposure and choice
It is never just one thing, but rather how the sum of parts integrate into our state of being, which is constantly evolving. What we tend to do is collect these layers to feel safe within ourselves through how we choose to connect with others, the pace of our lives and behaving in a manner that helps us to honour our existence optimally. With a framework or baseline such as this, there is enough room to be without guilt or shame, because of the understanding that every part has its unique role to play in our overall state, and that we are individually complex by design, and therefore are responsible for managing this for ourselves in a way that is most meaningful to us. Most importantly is this, you are allowed to outgrow the identity that once protected you but no longer does, and you’re allowed to keep what’s true, while laying down what isn't according to you.
Here's a simple practice:
When you catch an “I am” that tightens your state of being, try this:
- Rename it: “I am experiencing…”
- Reclaim it: “I choose to respond by…”
- Relate it: “I’m the kind of person who…” and finish with a value you want to embody.
For example: “I am experiencing grief. I choose to slow down today and eat something warm. I’m the kind of person who honours my body’s pace.”
This type of self-regulatory exercise is important because the world will always offer you names according to what is perceived. While some will feel like home, some will feel like a shrinking. Exposure, however, is never our sole destiny as there is far more to life than what we are exposed to - we don't know what we don't know. Ultimately, you get to decide which identity you want to acknowledge for yourself beyond what it is that you re exposed to and that is a choice that only you can make and have sole authority over.
Perhaps just for today, may the language you choose to define yourself and others be a soft place to land and a healthily steady place for your wholeness to healthily be.