There is a painful truth we often avoid: people do not become hateful because others are successful. People become hateful because they are hurting.
Envy, hostility, cynicism and online aggression are rarely about the external trigger we point to. They are almost always rooted in unmet needs, unresolved wounds or emotional exhaustion. When someone cannot regulate the storms within, the storms spill outward.
This post is not about excusing harmful behaviour. It is about understanding its roots so that we can preserve our peace and stay grounded in compassion without tolerating disrespect.
1. The emotional weight beneath the surface
South Africa’s emotional landscape is heavy. Research conducted during and after the pandemic revealed high prevalence of burnout and emotional exhaustion among healthcare workers and public servants. These patterns reflect a broader national strain where stress spills into interpersonal behaviour and communication.
Globally, indicators of anxiety and depression rose in the early 2020s. This rise is strongly associated with irritability, withdrawal, hypersensitivity and a reduced ability to process stress calmly.
Loneliness also remains one of the strongest predictors of depression, anxiety, fatigue and emotional volatility. It is in this soil of emotional depletion where resentment easily grows.
So when someone is consistently hostile or resentful, chances are the issue is internal depletion, not external competition.
2. “Hating” as a projection of internal conflict
When people feel:
-
Left behind
-
Inadequate
-
Overwhelmed
-
Unsupported
-
Emotionally exhausted
They project those feelings outward.
It is rarely about you..
Often, you simply become the mirror that reflects their own unaddressed wounds.
Your confidence exposes their self-doubt. Your progress reveals their stagnation.
Your joy confronts their sadness. Your boundaries disturb their lack of self-discipline.
“Hating” becomes a way to discharge internal discomfort instead of confronting it.
3. Signs that hatred is rooted in personal pain
Someone who is hurting may:
-
Criticise excessively
-
Compare themselves constantly
-
Downplay others’ achievements
-
Seek validation through tearing others down
-
Fixate on people who reflect what they desire but do not feel capable of achieving
These behaviours do not emerge from strength, they emerge from lack.
4. Your role: clarity over internalisation
Understanding the root does not mean you accept the behaviour. It simply means you can respond with clarity instead of carrying emotional residue.
When faced with hostility:
-
Check your inner state before reacting
-
Enforce your boundaries
-
Avoid over-explaining yourself
-
Protect your peace first
You do not need to absorb pain that is not yours.
5. A three-step personal audit when you feel triggered
We all have moments where envy or irritation rises. The goal is not perfection but awareness.
Ask yourself:
a) How is my body?
Am I tired, hungry or overstretched? Physical depletion fuels emotional reactivity.
b) What is overwhelming me right now?
Is this feeling a reaction to something deeper than the situation?
c) What story am I telling myself?
Is this person’s success threatening my identity or security? What do I believe I’m lacking?
This gentle honesty softens defensiveness and turns envy into introspection.
6. Compassion with responsibility
Compassion does not mean tolerating disrespect or normalising abuse.
It simply means understanding that every expression of hostility has a root, and that root rarely has anything to do with you.
True compassion is born from self-awareness, not martyrdom.
The heart of it all
When someone is a “hater,” it is often because they:
-
Have not rested
-
Have not healed
-
Have not processed their trauma
-
Have not found safe support
-
Have not developed internal stability
Pain ignored becomes pain projected. Healing embraced becomes peace expressed.
Home of Nula Offering
If you feel emotionally drained by others or find yourself reactive due to stress, explore:
-
Private Clarity Sessions for boundaries and emotional reset
-
Restore Your Mind and Find Peace
-
Our Wellness Services directory for therapeutic guidance
These spaces help you return to yourself before the world pulls you away.