For much of my life, forgiveness was something I understood only in part. I thought it was about releasing others for the harm they caused me. But the real value of forgiveness came when I learned to begin with myself.
Forgiving Myself First
I had to forgive myself for placing expectations on others to meet my needs or requirements. In doing so, I was not only setting myself up for disappointment, but I was also dismissing their agency - their right to choose, to act and to exist independently of me.
Forgiveness, I realised, is not about excusing harmful behaviour. It is about honouring the boundaries between myself and others. When I acknowledge and respect the agency of another person, it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to harbour resentment toward them for choices they are free to make.
Releasing Misplaced Expectations
What I came to see is that much of my pain came from overstating my role in the lives of others. I assumed a level of importance or responsibility that was never mine to carry.
By forgiving myself for those misplaced expectations, I began to release others from the burdens I unconsciously placed on them. I stopped holding them hostage to standards they never agreed to meet.
Honouring Agency Equally
Forgiveness, for me, became the practice of giving myself grace for not always getting it right - and then honouring the agency of others in the same way I expect mine to be honoured.
Not only when it suits me. Not only when it is convenient. But even when their choices disrupt or challenge my own. That is the true test of forgiveness: respecting the independence of others while still choosing peace within myself.
An Invitation to You
If you are holding on to resentment, I invite you to ask: Where have I denied another person’s agency? Where have I overstated my role in their life?
Forgiveness is not about diminishing your worth. It is about placing it rightly — recognising that you are responsible for your choices, just as others are responsible for theirs. And in that mutual respect, grace becomes possible.